Ray’s Fantasy Football Notebook 2012: Apathetic Week 4 Results w/ explicit language at times

{Current Mood: Flabbergasted/Frazzled}

Let’s get something straight right now.

When I started this gimmick, it wasn't meant to be a way for me to brag about fantasy football success. I did this because I wanted to chronicle my 2012 season so, of course, I’m going to talk about wins, good things that happen to me, and I’m going to predict myself to win matchups because you have to feel your team is good enough to win if you want to stand a chance.

That being said, I want to know where the fuck all this bad karma is coming from and why it isn’t going away.

We’re four weeks into this thing and my combined record throughout five leagues is 9-11. I have almost half as many wins (4) in the one league where my draft strategy got fucked and I had to wing it than I do in my four other leagues combined. I’m on a record pace for futility which is saying a lot because, as those of you who read my Manifesto should know, I had some REALLY shitty years early on.

Am I doing so shitty because I spend more time trying to get better and do more preparation than anyone I know (and this is not disputable) both before the season and during it? Am I doing so badly because, you know, I actually try to learn as much as I can and be ready for my draft while most of the people around me who are kicking my ass came into the season with zero fucking prep work and just winged it? If so, then I’ll stop doing research and just wing it like everyone else. After all, they say you should trust your gut, right?

Oh wait. I tried that this week by not being a rankings whore and trusting my gut by making last minute switches based on gut feel when being a rankings whore last week cost me greatly. Well, trusting my gut cost me greatly this week so I don’t know where to turn or what to do anymore. I’ve never been so ready to give up on a season so early in my career because there’s no end to the bullshit in sight.

That being said, I guess I can always pray that I make a few miraculous comebacks and overtake everyone in the last part of the season. The way my luck has been, this is REALLY unlikely to happen and I’m already looking ahead to next season, kicking myself now over the dumb draft-day moves that are costing me this year that I’m sure will make the updated Manifesto next year (possible occurrences that will probably make it: drafting Ryan Mathews or Robert Meachem for any reason, taking Romo over RG3, & taking Vick over Matt Ryan and Peyton Manning), and trying to salvage what has been, to this point, a lost and broken season.

Just because I did so well last year, does that really mean that the injury bug, ineffective play, dumb draft decisions, shit lineup decisions, and losing more games on my bench than anyone in fantasy football history has to be the 2012 theme? Does that mean that I have to suffer what’s shaping up to be my worst overall season I’ve ever had? Because, if so, I’d like to say to whoever is in charge of dumping all this excess bullshit on me that this is crap and I really don’t appreciate it. If I find out who you are, I will lock you inside a portable toilet and set you on fire...figuratively, of course.

Anywayz, let’s get to it Citizens of the Pond…so you can all laugh at my expense until the time comes that my teams actually decide to start producing and I figuratively destroy the universe…which could, at this rate, happen in the year 2027.

1) MONTOYA’S LEAGUE (12 teams, non-PPR, 2 QB, 3 Flex) (The Dayman) (4-0) (1st place in Division 2) (1st place overall) (1st in total points)

-The Dayman d. The Watchmen by the score of 125.06 to 119.20-

Of course I squeak out a win to remain undefeated in the one league I won’t get paid to do well in. #JKSDGFJKSDFJKSDJKS!!!!

The win over the Watchmen, coupled with a loss by the previously undefeated “SteelDeezNutz,” means that The Dayman is the last of the unbeaten teams. But this win didn’t come easy and it didn’t come without something that could be the deathblow to my season (as if I needed to do shitty in any more leagues).

I only scored 125.06 points in the victory, which was the fifth lowest point total for the week after having the weekly high score in weeks one and three and the fourth highest score for week two. 156.42 was my previous season-low in points scored (Week Two). Needless to say, my 5.86-point margin of victory was also a season low.

I got the victory even though five of my twelve players got me two points or less, two players got me zero points (and one got me 0.8), and only five of them scored in double digits. This, of course, is another sign of terrible karma being that it’s happening in the non-money league.

I’d be remiss not to mention the injury that Jake Locker suffered which could be the thing that sends my season into the shitter. It wouldn’t be too bad except for a few little caveats: this is a league where you’re required to start two QBs, the only backup QB on my roster is Tim Tebow, the only other starters I can get off waivers are Brandon Weeden and Blaine Gabbert, and I’m last on the waiver priority by virtue of being in first place. #HolyShitballsIsThisGonnaSuck

One more note: Had this guy taken the inactive Nate Kaeding out of his lineup and replaced him with Garrett Hartley, I would be 3-1 right now. For once, this shit goes my way. Unfortunately, once again, I will see no money from any of this at season’s end. #FuckMyLifeLikeForSeriousBro

-The Dayman – Week 4 Roster-

QB- Matt Ryan (30.76)

QB- Jake Locker (0.00)

RB- LeSean McCoy (14.00)

RB- Jamaal Charles (19.50)

WR- Victor Cruz (16.90)

WR- Lance Moore (6.70)

TE- Kyle Rudolph (0.80)

K- Rob Bironas (2.00)

DEF- Cardinals (26.80)

RB/WR Flex- RB CJ Spiller (1.80)

WR/TE Flex- TE Dennis Pitta (0.00)

RB/WR/TE Flex – RB Jacquizz Rodgers (5.80)

Total – 125.06

Bench- QB Tim Tebow (0.36)

Bench- RB Michael Bush (3.70)

Bench- RB Bilal Powell (1.10)

Bench- RB Donald Brown (0.00)

Bench- WR Mike Wallace (0.00)

Bench- WR Reggie Wayne (0.00)

Bench- WR Jerome Simpson (5.00)

Bench- TE Martellus Bennett (0.20)

Bench Total – 10.36

-The Watchmen– Week 4 Roster-

QB- Philip Rivers (18.36)

QB- Sam Bradford (6.64)

RB- Ray Rice (9.60)

RB- BenJarvus Green-Ellis (7.40)

WR- Roddy White (28.90)

WR- Demaryius Thomas (8.30)

TE- Jimmy Graham (7.60)

K- Nate Kaeding (0.00)

DEF- Packers (10.80)

RB/WR Flex- WR Percy Harvin (3.40)

WR/TE Flex- WR Denarius Moore (7.10)

RB/WR/TE Flex – RB DeAngelo Williams (11.10)

Bench- RB Ben Tate (1.40)

Bench- RB Evan Royster (1.90)

Bench- RB Montario Hardesty (0.00)

Bench- RB Robert Turbin (5.80)

Bench- RB Andre Brown (1.80)

Bench- WR Santana Moss (3.30)

Bench- WR Brian Quick (1.90)

Bench- K Garrett Hartley (9.00)

Bench Total – 25.10

2) BALLBUSTERS (12 teams) (Sizzlers) (1-3) (3rd in “Death Division”) (9th place overall) (3rd in total points)

-Really Hot Stuff d. The Sizzlers by the score of 78 to 71-

Quick Poll: Would anyone be surprised if I told you we lost ANOTHER game on our bench this week? We should be 3-1 right now and the fact that we're in ninth place overall and third in total points is some hot, sweaty bullshit.

Why wouldn't you put Ramses Barden in your starting lineup to replace Hakeem Nicks after the game he had last week? Why wouldn't you put him in over Greg Olsen who had yet to score a TD prior to Sunday? Why wouldn't you play Rudolph over Olsen for that same reason?

The biggest crock of shit has to be the fact that Norv Turner is a pasty, old fuck who deserves to have his balls removed with an ice pick for giving Ryan Mathews four carries in the first three quarters and letting Jackie Battle, the king of all fantasy football uselessness, vulture two TDs. Norv (what a gay name): If you ever have what will wind up being the displeasure of meeting me, just know that you'll be getting a glass tube shoved up your peehole... and then I will stomp on your pEE pEE... it's going to hurt... a lot... you've been warned.

And while we're talking about crocks of shit, consider the fact that our opponent beat us despite having Brian Hartline sitting on his bench with 32 points.

#IDontWantToLiveOnThisPlanetAnymore

-Sizzlers – Week 4 Roster-

QB- Peyton Manning (24)

RB- Ray Rice (12)

RB - Ryan Mathews (6)

WR- Ramses Barden (3)

WR- Miles Austin (12)

TE- Kyle Rudolph (2)

K- Robbie Gould (10)

DEF- Giants (2)

Total - 71

Bench- QB Jake Locker (0)

Bench- RB CJ Spiller (3)

Bench- RB Donald Brown (0)

Bench- RB Bilal Powell (0)

Bench- WR Lance Moore (10)

Bench- WR Jerome Simpson (6)

Bench- WR Hakeem Nicks (0)

Bench- TE Greg Olsen (18) (I may have to run with a two-TE set for the rest of the season so I can offset potential bullshit like losing ANOTHER game on my bench because of a TE that scored a shit ton of points)

-Really Hot Stuff – Week 4 Roster-

QB- Matt Schaub (15)

RB- Darren McFadden (2)

WR- Andre Johnson (5)

WR- Jeremy Maclin (1)

TE- Jimmy Graham (13)

Flex- TE Owen Daniels (16)

K- Blair Walsh (8)

DEF- Texans (18)

Bench- QB Alex Smith (1)

Bench- RB Steven Jackson (3)

Bench- RB Cedric Benson (9)

Bench- WR Anquan Boldin (16)

Bench- WR Santonio Holmes (5)

Bench- WR Donald Jones (12)

Bench- WR Brian Hartline (32)

Bench- TE Heath Miller (0)

Bench Total - 78 (Yes, his bench outscored my starters. #IGiveUp)

3) CONVICKS (10 teams) (This Guy) (1-3) (10th place overall) (10th in total points)

-The Black Horaces d. This Guy by the score of 160.06 to 67.34-

Ok Dave: This whole "beating me at everything" thing was cute...when we were six years old. Now there's money involved and I kinda wish you didn't embarrass me like that.

My feelings can be summed up in the text message I sent to Dave yesterday morning which reads as follows: "Pretty sure I'm in last place so I wouldn't feel too special about kicking my ass. Btw, fuck ur players & I hope they all die in a figurative plane crash."

Let's review the lowlights: I'm now in dead last, I'm the only team that's yet to break 400 points this season, I'm 150.04 points behind the league leader, eight of my nine starters underperformed versus their Yahoo projections, three of Dave's starters outperformed my leading scorer, I scored the fewest points for the week and had the lowest score in the league so far this season, Yahoo now projects me to finish in dead last with a 5-9 record, and not only did Dave double up on me...but I lost by 92.72 points which is 25.38 more than my team scored this week and my worst defeat in any league so far this year.

At least I can look forward to getting the #1 pick next year and running train on everyone. There really is no reason my team should be this shitty. It's absolute shit. And the worst part about being in last is that there's absolutely no one decent that I can pick up off waivers to try and improve this shitty team. You would think that in a ten-team league, I'd have some options. #JesusDoesntLoveMe

-This Guy - Week 4 Roster

QB- Michael Vick (20.54)

RB- Ryan Mathews (10.20)

RB- Doug Martin (6.20)

WR- Julio Jones (4.00)

WR- Greg Jennings (7.90)

WR- Jeremy Maclin (1.70)

TE- Kyle Rudolph (2.80)

K- Rob Bironas (2.00)

DEF- Cardinals (12.00)

Total - 67.34

Bench- QB Jake Locker (0.00)

Bench- RB CJ Spiller (3.80)

Bench- RB Donald Brown (0.00)

Bench- RB Bilal Powell (1.10)

Bench- WR Marques Colston (30.30) (So much for last minute substitutions based on feel. Not that it helped any because I still would've been assfondled)

Bench- WR Kendall Wright (14.60) (Random Saturday night pickup who I dropped Jeremy Kerley for)

Bench- TE Heath Miller (0.00)

Bench Total - 49.80

-The Black Horaces – Week 4 Roster –

QB- Philip Rivers (18.36)

RB- Arian Foster (16.40)

RB- DeMarco Murray (15.10)

WR- James Jones (22.60) (Really Dave? I could've used James Jones with Greg Jennings being injured. But NOOOOOOOO)

WR- Eric Decker (20.90)

WR- Dez Bryant (20.50)

TE- Owen Daniels (19.20)

K- Mason Crosby (4.00)

DEF- Texans (23.00)

Total - 160.06

Bench- QB Matt Schaub (19.88)

Bench- RB Michael Turner (26.10)

Bench- RB Ben Tate (3.40)

Bench- WR Nate Washington (7.30)

Bench- WR Hakeem Nicks (0.00)

Bench- WR Darrius Heyward-Bey (0.00)

Bench- TE Aaron Hernandez (0.00)

Bench Total - 56.68

4) KIRBY’S ALL STARS (12 teams) (Powdered Toast Man) (1-3) (4th in Kel Division) (9th place overall) (7th in total points)

-Spike's Doghouse d. Powdered Toast Man by the score of 180 to 92-

This is the third time I’m posting the following. It’s from my Week 3 Results blog entry. I’m posting it a third time to drive the point home: “This week, I draw Spike’s Doghouse, the 11th place team (1-2 and currently last in total points) that just won its first game despite having the inactive Ahmad Bradshaw in his starting lineup with other options available. Just like with Vinnie last week, just because I may predict myself to win DOES NOT MEAN that I’m taking this team lightly or refusing to acknowledge that this is another trap game. I thought I made that perfectly clear last week but I still wound up taking a nice bullshit bath.”

And then he nearly doubles up on me. I give up.

Lowlights: I've dropped to 7th in total points and ninth overall after putting up the low score for the week and being the only team that failed to break 100 points, I lost by 88 points, my opponent got the high score for the week with an inactive kicker, his lowest scoring player put up 13 points if you take out the g00se egg and a four-spot put up by McFadden, and not only did I record the low score for the week, I recorded the lowest score for the entire league so far this year, was the first team to fail to break 100 points, & I lost to the team who recorded the highest score in the league so far this year.

At what point does the bullshit stop? I would like to plan accordingly so I can go out and celebrate.

-Powdered Toast Man - Week 4 Roster-

QB- Matthew Stafford (19)

RB- Ryan Mathews (10)

RB- CJ Spiller (3) (I might as well have played Tashard Choice)

WR- Calvin Johnson (10)

WR- Ramses Barden (5)

WR- Demaryius Thomas (13)

TE- Kyle Rudolph (2)

Flex- WR Kendall Wright (14) (A last second pickup who I dropped the craptastic Robert Meachem for that actually payed off. Again, not that it matters).

K- Rob Bironas (2)

DEF- Bengals (14)

Total - 92

Bench- QB Tony Romo (13) (With five INTs, he still almost scored as many points as Stafford. What is the world coming to?)

Bench- RB Lamar Miller (1) (dropped Choice for him in case Reggie Bush didn’t play)

Bench- RB Donald Brown (0)

Bench- WR Hakeem Nicks (0)

Bench- WR Jerome Simpson (9)

Bench- TE Jermaine Gresham (9)

Bench Total - 32

-Spikes Doghouse – Week 4 Roster-

QB- Ryan Fitzpatrick (35) (His bye week filler QB kicks my ass. #NotThatIShouldBeSurprised)

RB- Darren McFadden (4)

RB- Alfred Morris (18)

WR- Marques Colston (30)

WR- Vincent Jackson (22)

WR- Danny Amendola (17)

TE- Scott Chandler (22)

Flex- WR Wes Welker (19)

K- Nate Kaeding (0)

DEF- Cardinals (13)

Total - 180

Bench- QB Ben Roethlisberger (0)

Bench- RB Ahmad Bradshaw (9)

Bench- RB DeAngelo Williams (11)

Bench- WR Davone Bess (19)

Bench- TE Fred Davis (11)

Bench- DEF Steelers (0)

Bench Total - 50

5) CCFFL (14 teams, points league w/ head to head games) (The Houston Oilers) (2-2) (3rd in the AFC) (5th place overall)

-Mad Dogs d. The Houston Oilers by the score of 100 to 89-

Any time I’ve ever helped out someone who was new to fantasy football as it relates to helping them draft their team, it’s blown up in my face. Every recorded instance saw the n00b team and/or owner not only beat me head to head that year, but it also saw them finish ahead of me in the final standings.

One bad week is all you need to take you out of the running in this league. We’re four weeks in and I’ve now had two games where I failed to break 100 points and I tied my season low this week with 89. The last time I scored 89 points was in week two and it was the sixth lowest score of the week. This time my 89-spot was the fifth lowest score for the week which was, say it with me now in your best Price Is Right prize-announcer-guy voice because you all know it’s coming at this point, A NEW SEASON LOW!!!! Mad Dogs, by the way, beat me with the seventh lowest score of the week. You win one game in one league like that and you can’t sniff victory ever again afterwards. Fair.

I went from being 19 points out of first place to 42 points out of the lead that’s now held by the Pizans: winners of four league titles since 2000 and two league titles since I joined the league in 2004. They’ve given me some grief over the years so I really don’t want to see them win another one before I win my first.

Oh yeah, there’s also a chance I lose both Greg Jennings AND Kenny Britt to injury again this week while I’ve already had to cut Austin Collie when his season ended, Julio Jones has a hand laceration that has him playing at less than 100%, and I don’t have a high enough waiver priority to grab a suitable replacement like Brian Hartline (which is why I find myself pining for a league with a free-agent-acquisition budget <FAAB> system).

Oh yeah, and let’s talk about how Romo throws five INTs for the Mad Dogs, DeMarco Murray has two fumbles, and I STILL lose because Romo threw for 300 yards and Murray had seven catches. 

Oh yeah, let’s ALSO talk about my last minute decision to bench Peyton Manning for Matthew Stafford because of my rationale that I didn’t want Stafford on my bench when he eventually went off for 400 yards and four TDs… a 13-point swing in a game I lost by 11.

#ReasonsWhyIDontOwnAGun

-The Houston Oilers – Week 4 Roster –

QB- Matthew Stafford (18)

RB- CJ Spiller (1)

RB- Trent Richardson (14)

WR- Julio Jones (2)

WR- Greg Jennings (7)

WR- Leonard Hankerson (9)  (So I pick up Hanky as a high-upside injury filler, he doesn’t score a TD, and he STILL gets more points than Greg Jennings. There are no words)

TE- Owen Daniels (15) (Good game but he was still outscored by Greg Olsen, say it with me now, ON MY BENCH! Figures)

K- Rob Bironas (2)

DEF- Bengals (21) (Once again, my defense is my highest scoring player. #UnsuccessfullyTriesToBangHeadThroughAJetty)

Bench - 89

Bench- Peyton Manning (31) (#UnsuccessfullyTriesToDoItAgain)

Bench- Jacquizz Rodgers (6)

Bench- Bilal Powell (0)

Bench- Lamar Miller (0) (Saturday night pickup in case Bush didn’t play)

Bench- Jerome Simpson (6)

Bench- Kenny Britt (0)

Bench- Greg Olsen (16)

Bench Total - 59

-Mad Dogs – Week 4 Roster –

QB- Tony Romo (13)

RB- Ray Rice (12) (So much for that good omen about Trent Richardson outscoring Rice although I did mention there was still a lot of football to be played so that shouldn’t count against me although it probably does because someone out there is out to make sure I lose years off of my life based on the events that have happened/will happen to me this season)

RB- Demarco Murray (10)

WR- DeSean Jackson (16)

WR- Santonio Holmes (3) (He debacles his foot and I still lose. Figures)

WR- Jonathan Baldwin (6) (He loses Hakeem Nicks, is forced to start a scrub, and I STILL lose. Figures)

TE- Tony Gonzalez (7)

K- Garrett Hartley (7)

DEF- Texans (26) (Three of my five opponents this week played the Texans defense against me. I lost all three games. I guess the secret to success is drafting a defense way too early. #StabsHimselfInTheEyeWithARustySpoon)

Total - 100

Bench- QB Alex Smith (5)

Bench- RB Michael Bush (2)

Bench- RB Felix Jones (0)

Bench- RB Daniel Thomas (1)

Bench- WR Hakeem Nicks (0)

Bench- WR Laurent Robinson (1)

Bench- TE Dallas Clark (3)

Bench Total – 12

-IN CONCLUSIONAL-

If you still think your fantasy week was worse than mine, and if you still think you’ve had more bad luck than I have this season, Come At Me Relative that lives in my house and is a male that I refer to affectionately as ‘Bro.’

I’ve tried being a rankings whore, I’ve tried trusting my gut, I’ve tried winging it, I’ve tried studying my balls off and doing endless research, I’ve tried doing moderate amounts of research, I’ve tried last minute substitutions, I’ve tried ignoring the urge to make last minute substitutions.

To this point, nothing has worked and I’m out of ideas. But I started this Odyssey through the 2012 Fantasy season so I guess I have to finish it. If by chance anyone has been following my strategies and/or advice and is doing as poorly as I am, I don’t apologize because I’m not a paid expert.

Deuces,

-Ray-

 

P.S. If there's any glimmer of a silver lining for me, it's the fact that I could always be this guy: