If you thought YOU had a bad fantasy football week - 10/14/13 Edition

Current Mood: Hungry

Good Evening,

We interrupt your regularly scheduled entry into the #DWC series to bring you some random thoughts and observations in the world of sport.

Translation: I’ve reached another rut in my fantasy sports-writing, evidenced by the fact that I haven’t logged an entry in 11 days and still haven’t decided what #DWC actually stands for.

So let’s go.

BAD BEATS

I realize that nobody wants to hear about the bad beats and horrible breaks people suffer in their fake sporting endeavors. But no matter how bad your teams are doing, there’s a good chance that mine are doing worse. And I’m here to make you feel better about your own failures.

Answer me some questions. And if you respond ‘yes’ to more than one of them, you win a free subscription to Pond Scum Sports.

(Reader Discretion: There are a few shitskis and two F-bombs dropped in this blog. When you’re done reading it, you may be surprised that I was able to reasonably limit the F-bombs to only two)

-Did you have both Brian Hoyer and EJ Manuel on your roster in your most important league only to see them both go down in the same game?

NO!

-Did you start Brian Hoyer in five of your seven leagues that week only to see him nab you two points before tearing his ACL because he doesn’t know how to slide correctly?

NO!

-Is this the second time in four years in this league that you’ve lost both of the QBs you had rostered in the same week?

NO!

-Did you drop Carson Palmer for Brian Hoyer in said league the week Hoyer went down only to see someone else pick up Palmer and bench him this week against the 49ers and their awesome pass defense when those points theoretically could’ve been yours?

NO!

-Did you then have to rely on Chad Henne, quarterback of the biggest point spread underdog in NFL history, to put up big garbage time numbers only to see him put up a measly 10 points as he went for 300 yards, two INTs, and watched Justin Blackmon not only drop a TD in the end zone, but slip and fall at the five yard line when he had a clear path to paydirt which made way for the washed up Maurice Jones-Drew to vulture a TD on the next play?

NO!

-Did you trade for Doug Martin in two leagues this week and start him in all five leagues you own him in only to see him not only put up a shit stat line yet again, but miss the chance to salvage his fantasy day by getting tackled at the one yard line which led to a Mike Glennon TD pass to Vincent Jackson on the next play?

NO!

-Did you, after the afternoon games, check your score in your $100 buy-in work league where your team is 0-5 only to see that this week you went up against Vernon Davis, Jamaal Charles, and Trollshon Moreno and entered the Sunday night game down by over 100 points with only RG3, Demarco Murray, and Jordan Reed left to play?

NO!

-Well that’s OK, because that game will be a shootout, right? Reed will surely contribute to the continuing trend of athletic TEs giving the Dallas defense issues, Murray will have a nice game without getting injured, and RG3 will play like a boss fresh off his bye week because it’s Sunday night, the lights are on bright, he went 2-0 against Dallas last season, and he’ll surely be looking to prove to the world that he’s the same player he was last year, right!? And certainly all of this will at least lead you to a respectable point total above 87.44, RIGHT!?!

NO!

-Have you, in this same league, somehow managed to put up FIVE points in three weeks from the defenses you’ve streamed (the Jets in Weeks 4 and 6 and Atlanta in Week 5)?

NO!

-Did you, in this same league, pick up Mason Crosby and then drop him for Nick Foles only to see Foles put up six points and Crosby lead all kickers for the week thus far with 15?

NO!

-Do any of those four preceding blurbs matter being that you went against the likely high scorer for the week in said league and even if you had played Josh Gordon who sat on your bench with 19.6 points, you still would’ve lost by over 50?

NO!

-Do the only two leagues you’re currently in either first or second place in happen to be the only two of your seven leagues that have a zero dollar entry fee?

NO!

-In the one league you’re in where you not only have to beat your head to head opponent each week but also the league average of everybody’s point totals, are you the ONLY team that has yet to score higher than the league average in any of the first six weeks?

NO!

-Going back to your most important league (a total points league), a league you’ve been in for ten years without winning, did you fall from first to third place on account of your team only putting up 80 points this week because Jordy Nelson is the only person in your lineup or bench that scored a TD?

NO!

For the record, that former first place lineup consisted of Henne, Matt Forte, CJ Spiller, Jordy, Dez Bryant, Eric Decker, Jordan Reed, Dan Bailey, and the Jets defense with a bench of Zac Stacy, Danny Woodhead, Bernard Pierce, Brandon Bolden, Jordan Cameron, Stevie Johnson, and Keenan Allen. I know Woody and Allen are playing tonight, but ONE TD from this team? Are you fucking kidding me?

Only in this league could I be faced with a week where Chad Henne loses out on two TDs because of Justin Blackmon, Spiller decides to score the ONE TIME I bench him last week while doing nothing AGAIN this week, Dez can’t do anything against the league’s worst pass defense, Decker can’t do anything against one of the league’s worst teams, the Redskins forget that Jordan Reed abused Dallas in the first half and make him a non-factor in the second, and the Jets allow 19 points to the team with the arguably the shittiest offensive line in the league.

And finally:

-Did you, in all four of your leagues in which you’re allowed to keep one player, choose to protect CJ Spiller whose last contest when he was targeted in the passing game more than Tashard Choice came in Week 2, and whose coach is not only more incompetent than Chan Gailey when it comes to knowing how to use their best offensive weapon (hint: continuously running CJ up the middle DOESN’T FUCKING WORK!) but is also a god damn liar who went on record saying that they were going to run Big Ceej this season “until he throws up?”

In case you didn’t want to watch the video, or weren’t able to:

NO!

Bold Prediction: The Bills come out at the end of the season saying something along the lines of “CJ Spiller battled all season through two shattered ankles, a dislocated kneecap, a torn ACL, polio, dementia, syphilis, MRSA, and chiggers.”

Bold Prediction #2: As bad as your fantasy week was, you most likely didn’t answer ‘yes’ to any of the preceding questions, so at least you have that.

And that was only for THIS week.

WHAT WENT WELL

Despite all the shortcomings, I actually did some good this week. I suppose when you find yourself in seven leagues, you’ll get a good break every so often.

You may read the previous segment and think that I have no fake sports credentials, am a product of the bowel movements of the fake football gods, and enjoy bathing myself in the algae that resides in the pond on my family's compound (don’t judge me).

But consider the following:

-Did I improve to 6-0 in the free league run by retired professional wrestler “Dirty” Don Montoya on the strength of great performances by Moreno, Blackmon, Jordy, and the Chiefs defense that led to a total score in excess of 200 points in this generally high scoring league?  

YES!

-Did my other 0-5 team pick up its first win of the season on the strength of big games by Jordy, Brandon Marshall, and the newly acquired Jay Cutler?

YES!

-Assuming that TY Hilton doesn’t outscore the Colts defense by 55 points tonight, did I improve to 5-1 in another free league thanks to strong games from Trollshon, Marshall, and Jordy EVEN THOUGH I was stuck with Alex Smith and his seven total points at QB after I learned that my Smith-Reggie Bush-Josh Gordon for RG3-DeAngelo Williams trade (which looks much worse for me now than it did when it was accepted) won’t go through until Tuesday?

YES!

And finally:

-Assuming that Andrew Luck and Reggie Wayne don’t outscore the Colts defense by 41 points tonight, are my father and I on our way to 4-2 after a big win thanks to the efforts, once again, of a Trollshon/BMarsh/Gordy Nelson combo in a league where we finished in last place in 2012?

The answer to that question, in case you didn’t want to watch the video or weren’t able to:

YES!

Despite that, are we going to keep alive our seven-year streak of having never ONCE recorded the high score for the week in this league? Unless we get 31 points from the Colts defense tonight…

YES!

If you’re not keeping count at home, that’s preferable results in four of my seven leagues. Granted I needed to have preferable results in all three of the leagues in which I experienced shitty results but, the way the ball has bounced for me this season, four out of seven isn’t bad.

High Five!

Since that went a lot longer than I expected it to, I’ll save the rest of what I had to say today regarding the Giants and the Bears for a blog that will be posted in a little while. Stay tuned.

Deuces,

-Ray-