“Darren Sproles and Drew Brees:
the banes of my fake football existence” He thought as he merged onto the Garden
State Parkway.
He once was asked who his
favorite fantasy football player of all time was. His gut reaction answer was
an easy one: a toss-up between Matthew Stafford and CJ Spiller, guys that have
brought him league championships and bragging rights as late round gems.
He had never really thought about
who his least favorite fantasy players of all time were. The list of players
and/or coaches who had made his Douche Hat Hall of Fame was a lengthy one that
included names like LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Erik Spoelstra, Brett Favre, Ray
Lewis, John Calipari, Marc Gasol, and that guy who wore #7 for the Eagles and played quarterback.
But none of these guys, regardless
of the reasons they’d made it into the DHHoF, had ever really wronged him when
it came to fake football. Not even Brett Favre, the first draft pick He ever
made back in 2004.
During Week 4’s Monday Night
Football tilt between New Orleans and Miami, the two players who had caused
him the most recent and painful grief made themselves known once again.
As far as He was concerned, Darren
Sproles and Drew Brees had now firmly established themselves as Fake Football
Public Enemy #1A and #1B.
It all started in the midst of His
historic 2011 tear through the regular season of the Kirby’s All Stars league. He
was playing against his cousin Grayson, one of the new league members, in Week 9. He
offered to trade Matthew Stafford, his starting quarterback, to Grayson in a
deal that would’ve netted him Darren Sproles. Grayson declined the offer citing that he wasn’t parting with Sproles
under any circumstances.
A regular season record of 11-2
saw Him win his division handily and roll into the league championship game
against Grayson on a fake football tear like he had never been on before and hadn’t been able
to get on since. It all came down to a Week 16 divisional Monday night match-up between
Atlanta and New Orleans.
In the fourth quarter, with a 22-point lead over the Falcons, Drew Brees hit Darren Sproles with a nine yard touchdown pass that gave
Grayson and Sproles the eight points they needed to defeat Him in the league championship
game by the final score of 150-149.
That play, which was was arguably
meaningless in the grand scheme of things from a real football perspective, may have given Drew Brees a real football record, but it prevented Him from repeating as a fake football champion. It also sent him on a downward
spiral that saw him go 6-11-1 over his next 18 league games, including four straight losses to begin the 2013 season.
The Brees-Sproles combination
reared its ugly head again this year, for hopefully the first and last time,
as He watched Sproles catch enough passes for enough yards from Brees to single-handedly
erase the 9.84-point lead he desperately needed to maintain in League #7, lucky
Hakeem Nicks jersey be damned, to avoid going 0-2 for the week. Even if Charles
Clay had recorded zero points, He still would’ve lost because Sproles finally
decided to have a good game in 2013 at literally the most inconvenient time
imaginable.
The fact that choosing Doug
Martin over Adrian Peterson at #1 overall has now cost him two head to head victories
in this league made the situation even worse. Compounded with the fact that,
with better lineup decisions, he could feasibly be 7-1 right now instead of 2-6
and in ninth place is preparing him for a potentially longer-than-usual shower
cry.
He just hoped, for Darren Sproles’
sake, that Sproles wouldn’t be waiting for him with a tissue when he got out.
After losing
to Grayson, led by Drew Brees and his 38 points, in Week 3 of the Kirby league,
He texted his cousin asking if there was some sort of voodoo doll of him that he broke
out whenever they played each other in fantasy. It was met with the response of
“HaHaHa, Drew Brees just likes to kick your ass.” A fitting response given what
would transpire just seven days later.
<More
to come shortly>
<Photo Credit: http://memegenerator.net>
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